There is something I have learned in my personal journey that has reshaped how I handle relationships and interactions with others—unhealed people listen through the filter of their wounds, not with open understanding. It is a truth that has become clearer with time and experience. I now have an understanding that has helped me manage relationships and my own growth in ways I never expected.

At first, I did not grasp how significant this idea was. I used to believe that if I communicated clearly and with good intentions, people would listen, reflect, and respond with understanding. However, time after time, I found myself caught in emotionally charged situations where no matter how carefully I chose my words, they were misinterpreted. What I did not fully understand back then is that when someone is unhealed, their pain speaks louder than anything you say.

When you’re dealing with someone who has not fully healed, they do not just listen to your words. They hear them through the lens of their unresolved hurt. In those moments, their triggers take over. They do not respond to what you are actually saying but to what their past has taught them to expect, often from a place of fear, anger, or insecurity.

I remember moments when I tried to explain myself or set a boundary, only to be met with defensiveness or even hostility. What I thought was a simple, honest conversation somehow triggered something deep in the other person. They were not hearing me—they were hearing the echoes of past pain that my words unintentionally stirred up. See, that is the thing about triggers. Triggers are automatic, emotional responses rooted in past wounds. When someone is unhealed, they dot interpret your message through reason or clarity. They actually react through their trauma.

Here is the kicker: those reactions are part of their healing process. It took me a long time to accept that healing often starts with triggers. As much as I wanted to be heard and understood, I had to step back and recognize that these emotional responses are signs of unresolved issues rising to the surface. The person might not be conscious of it, but their reaction is their body and mind telling them that there is still something they need to confront and work through.

That is where the idea that unhealed people listen through the filter of their wounds, not with open understanding comes in. When people are triggered, it is an opportunity for them to heal, even if it does not look like it in the moment. Sometimes, they just need to feel that discomfort in order to begin the process of addressing the deeper wounds beneath the surface. It is part of the messy, complicated journey of self-awareness and healing.

I have learned over time that I can not control or rush that process for anyone. All I can do is manage my own triggers and maintain my own peace. It is not my responsibility to heal someone else’s wounds or to force them to hear me when their pain is louder than my voice. That is their work.

This understanding has been crucial for my own peace and wellbeing. If I let every emotional reaction or triggered response shake me, I would never feel grounded. I had to learn that it is okay to step back and let people deal with their own stuff, even if that means I am not “heard” in the way I hope to be. I no longer get caught up in trying to explain myself over and over, hoping that if I just said the right thing, the other person would get it. In the past, this left me exhausted and frustrated.

Now, I approach these moments with more compassion—for them and for myself. I recognize that their reaction is part of their healing, even if they do not see it yet. I give myself permission to set boundaries, protect my energy, and not internalize their responses as my responsibility.

Triggers are tough. They bring up old pain, fears, and insecurities that we often do not want to face. On the other hand, they are also the gateway to healing. By addressing what triggers us, we start to unravel the layers of unresolved trauma and work toward inner peace. It is a slow process, and the process is definitely different for everyone.

So, when I encounter someone who reacts from a place of pain, I remind myself: they are healing through their triggers, not listening with their ears right now. It is not personal nor is it something I can fix for them. All I can do is continue on my own path, heal my own wounds, and offer compassion from a distance, if necessary.

This shift in mindset has allowed me to maintain my peace, even in challenging interactions. I no longer feel the need to overexplain or to carry the emotional weight of someone else’s triggers. Instead, I focus on my own growth, knowing that healing is an individual journey . I cannot rush or control someone else’s process.

At the end of the day, we all have to face our own triggers. They are uncomfortable but necessary parts of our healing. Once we learn to recognize them for what they are, we can begin to truly listen—not just to others, but also to ourselves.

Erika