A friend once said to me, “My standards are high because I am able to provide for myself what I require from a partner.” Her words were bold and self-assured. She explained that her inability to find a sustainable relationship or marriage stemmed from these high standards. For many, this mindset seems reasonable. After all, should we not expect from others what we can give ourselves? In theory, yes. In practice, however, this mentality can sometimes lead to frustration, loneliness, and feelings of unfulfillment in our personal lives. So, what happens when our high standards become barriers instead of foundations for a healthy relationship?

The Weight of “High Standards”

First, let me clarify: having standards is important. You deserve to be loved, respected, and appreciated at a level that reflects your worth. But when our standards become rigid and absolute, they can morph into walls that keep others out. The idea of “I can provide what I require” often implies self-sufficiency, but relationships are not built on balance sheets of who can do or provide more. They are built on connection, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Society constantly tells us to never settle. Our parents even stress the same sentiment. It is easy to confuse setting boundaries with creating unrealistic expectations. When we define our standards by what we can provide materially or emotionally, we might overlook the deeper needs a relationship truly fulfills: vulnerability, support in difficult times, and the ability to grow together.

The Trap of Self-Sufficiency

Let’s be very clear. Being able to provide for yourself—financially, emotionally, spiritually—is a beautiful thing. It is a testament to your strength and independence. But when this self-sufficiency becomes a cornerstone of your standards in relationships, you risk leaving no space for someone else to contribute, nurture, or support you. Relationships require a level of interdependence. It is not about someone matching your abilities step for step, but about creating a partnership where both can lean on each other in different areas.

Having high standards is not wrong. However, being too self-sufficient may signal to others that you don’t need them, or worse, that they are not good enough for you.

The Danger of Perfectionism

Another layer of this dynamic is the idea that, because you can provide what you require, your partner must be able to do the same—perfectly. Here is where the trap of perfectionism comes in. Holding out for the perfect partner, the one who checks off every box, can be exhausting. It can lead to constant dissatisfaction because no one will ever meet every single standard all the time.

What if, instead, we focused on finding someone who grows and evolves with us? Someone who may not meet every requirement immediately but is willing to work toward mutual goals and navigate life’s ups and downs together?

High Standards vs. Non-Negotiables

It is crucial to distinguish between high standards and non-negotiables. High standards often include preferences—financial stability, physical appearance, lifestyle choices—but non-negotiables are foundational to who we are. These are things like respect, kindness, honesty, and emotional support. When we become too focused on the high standards, we risk ignoring whether our partners meet the non-negotiables.

The key is not to lower your standards but to reevaluate what really matters. Ask yourself: Are these standards rooted in what will truly bring joy and fulfillment into my life? Or are they checklists designed to protect me from disappointment?

The Balance

Relationships thrive on balance. It is about giving and receiving, learning and teaching, growing and nurturing. It is about two people coming together with their own strengths and weaknesses, finding harmony where they complement one another.

If you find yourself struggling to meet a partner who aligns with your high standards, it might be time to reflect. Are your standards realistic, or are they barriers that protect you from vulnerability? Are you expecting perfection, or are you open to growth and partnership?

High standards are important, but they should not close off opportunities for connection, intimacy, and growth. In a sustainable relationship, it is not about whether someone can “match” you, but whether they can meet you where you are (i.e. help you grow, support you through struggles, and offer love and kindness, even in imperfection.)

It is worth remembering that relationships are more than transactional exchanges of what each partner can provide. They are about emotional connection, shared values, and building something meaningful together. If you are struggling to find that balance between high standards and true partnership, take a step back and ask yourself: What am I really seeking? Is it perfection, or is it someone willing to grow with me, through the highs and the lows?

You deserve a partner who meets your needs, but be open to understanding that love is not a checklist. It is an evolving process that requires flexibility, vulnerability, and the willingness to accept imperfection in yourself and in others.

Find the balance,

Erika