Live With Joy With Coach Erika L. Wilkins

I have had countless conversations around the idea of apologies. I have listened to stories of heartache, frustration, and betrayal, where someone hurt another, offered a few words of regret, and then went right back to the same behavior. I have even seen the frustration that builds when an apology feels hollow. Well, here’s the truth: an apology and repentance are two very different things.

“An apology is a good way to have the last word, but repentance is the first step toward change.”

That quote captures what I have come to understand: many people offer apologies to smooth things over or ease their conscience, but far fewer commit to the kind of deep, internal work that repentance demands. It perfectly illustrates the gap between apologizing and truly making amends.

Apologies are often the easy part. They smooth things over, help ease the tension. They make everyone feel better in the moment. However, apologies, as important as they are, do not fix everything. They are just the beginning.

When someone apologizes, it can feel like a balm—a brief moment of relief. They acknowledge they have done something wrong, they might even express genuine regret, but too often, it stops there. They have said their part. So, the expectation is that everything should go back to normal. But as we all know, words without actions do not heal wounds.

Repentance, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. This is where the real work happens. Repentance is not just saying, “I’m sorry.” It is a process that involves making a genuine commitment to change, a commitment to not only acknowledging the hurt but to actively working on altering the behavior that caused it. It is asking, “What steps do I need to take so I don’t repeat this?”

Repentance is about making amends and, more importantly, transforming the mindset that allowed the hurt to happen in the first place. It is actively working to ensure it does not happen again, in other words, transforming behavior and being accountable for it.

I often tell my clients that growth, whether in relationships, personal development, or emotional healing, requires more than just lip service. You can apologize a thousand times, but if your actions remain the same, those apologies lose their value. True repentance means we reflect deeply, take accountability, and shift how we show up in the world.

I have experienced both sides of this in my own life. There have been times when I have accepted an apology that lacked true repentance and times when I have been the one giving an apology that needed to be followed with change. That is why I understand the difference so clearly. It is not about seeking perfection in ourselves or others but about striving for growth.

When you are on the receiving end of an apology, ask yourself: does this person’s behavior show that they are committed to doing better, or is this just an attempt to smooth things over? If you are the one offering the apology, pause and reflect: are you genuinely ready to make the changes that need to happen, or are you just hoping your words will fix it?

The difference between an apology and repentance is the difference between putting a bandage on a wound or doing the deeper healing work. One is temporary, while the other is transformational. Realize, though, that transformation takes time, effort, and patience. But I promise you, the reward of genuine change is worth it.

In life mastery, we do not strive for quick fixes—we seek lasting transformation. So next time you find yourself in a situation where an apology is needed, ask yourself: “Am I ready to repent? Am I ready to change?” That’s where real healing begins.

I have seen firsthand how this plays out in relationships and friendships. It is like an expected plot in a movie where a person apologizes, then for a brief moment, the receiver appears to experience some redemptive healing. The part we forget to look for is the apology followed by actions where the actor shows a desire to grow and change. Otherwise, the apology is really meaningless.

Here is the thing: without repentance, an apology is just words.

How do we know? Because when someone truly repents, you see it. They do not just say they are sorry, they demonstrate it. They make adjustments in their behavior, their attitude, and their approach to situations. The individual takes responsibility for their actions, not just in that moment, but moving forward from that moment. This is what brings about true healing and trust.

My final word is: it is easy to apologize, but it is harder to repent. Only one leads to genuine healing. The other only offers a temporary fix. So, the next time someone apologizes to you, ask yourself: are they showing a commitment to change, or are they just saying what is necessary to move on?

If, on the other hand, you find yourself in a situation where you need to apologize, take it a step further. Reflect on what changes you need to make. True growth requires repentance, not just regret.

In the end, it is not the apology that heals. It is the actions that follow.